If there’s one lesson from my years of relationship counselling and coaching clients, it’s that boundaries are crucial to healthy relationships. Boundaries define and delineate your personal space, responsibilities, and limits—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually for a dream date. They are what set you apart from others and keep you safe from people who hurt you or who overextend your resources. Think of a fence around your property that defines your yard from the neighbor’s or how your cubicle walls separate your space at work from your coworkers.
But just like a fence needs to be maintained, so do boundaries. As a result, you need to develop and implement healthy boundary-setting practices and actively communicate them with other people in your life.
The Role of Personal Boundaries in Dating
While this article is mainly focused on dating, personal boundaries are important for all relationships—romantic and otherwise. In fact, the best way to understand personal boundaries is by thinking about the relationships you’re in now or have had in the past with friends, significant others, family members, and authority figures. What felt good and bad about those relationships? Jot down everything that comes to mind, including specific words, actions, feelings and situations. Look for any patterns you see and try to identify common themes or topics that emerge.
For example, some of the most common boundary violations include taking responsibility for actions or emotions that are not yours or expecting others to take responsibility for their own actions and emotions. You may also find that you are being overly generous with other people or that you give them permission to treat you badly. People who struggle with boundary-setting often fall into two categories: those who have poor self-esteem and are too afraid to be assertive (emotional) and those who were abused or traumatized as children and lack the skills needed to effectively manage their emotional, psychological and physical well-being (spiritual).
To create strong boundaries, it’s important to reflect on your needs, struggles, and what feels comfortable for you. Write down your core values—such as trust, respect, love, openness, honesty, connection—and use them to guide you in creating and maintaining your personal boundaries. Then, consider how you want to engage with other people in your daily life and in your romantic and sexual relationships.
For instance, if someone you’re dating starts discussing politics, finances or anything else that makes you uncomfortable, politely assert your boundary by saying, “That’s not something I feel comfortable talking about.”
It’s important to be mindful of when you have crossed a boundary and apologize for what you’ve done if necessary. But remember that healthy personal boundaries are mutually respectful and are created through communication and active listening. As you continue to work on your relationship skills, you’ll learn how to better define and communicate your personal boundaries so that they are respected by the people in your life. By developing and maintaining these healthy boundaries, you’ll be on the path to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship—whether that’s in your romantic or platonic relationships.